Someone at the Wisconsin Humane Society is really good at naming cats.
I like how everyone just forgets that a movie about spy guinea pigs existed
I can never forget this movie and I will tell you why
When this came out I was still working at the movie theater. Among the many duties I had, one of them was to screen movies to make sure that everything went smoothly. No scratches, no funky breaks between parts, y’know. Essentially getting paid to watch movies. This would usually have to happen after the theater was closed, which could be anywhere between midnight and one-thirty in the morning.
So I’m screening this movie with two other employees because sometimes you desperately need someone to make fun of a movie with you. It’s ridiculously late at night and let me tell you, I ripped into this movie mercilessly because often that’s what I do when I know I’m watching trash. The girl on my right is occasionally aww’ing over these guinea pigs and their antics, the guy on my left is watching with glazed eyes, and then there’s me, interjecting every criticism and wisecrack I feel like because it’s two in the morning and this is a pretty terrible movie and what can I say, the other two chuckleheads with me are laughing at all my jokes because I’m pretty funny when I’m irritated, or so I’ve gathered.
Three quarters of the way into this lazy, pandering, by the numbers flick and I’m running out of steam. I’m so tired that it feels like I’m high, my jokes have become lazier and reduced to me waving my hand at the screen and moaning in displeasure at every nauseating one-liner and gross-out gag. But at last, we have reached the final battle where all the little critters are gonna duke it out and someone’s gonna win and save the day, you know it, I know it, who even cares, just roll the credits with the inevitable pop song already.
But then, I don’t know what happened
The evil mole who was, urm, evil in this movie, who spent all of his time making stupid jokes and having stupid dialogue like all the other characters suddenly, out of blinking nowhere, has the nerve, THE AUDACITY, to open his CGI maw and start telling me about his motives and BACKSTORY. In a movie that thus far has given plot and character and all shred of caring the finger, it flashes back to the evil mole villain losing his home and friends and parents and shit to human developers and bulldozers. It goes all out, breaking out the watery-eyed animals in cages, the smoke-filled woods, the terrifying jaws of human industry, shows us that the mole is like crying - IN THIS MOVIE WHERE NOTHING HAS MATTERED UP TO THIS POINT IT BREAKS OUT THE BIG GUNS AND ASKS ME TO PLEASE. PLEASE FEEL SYMPATHY FOR THIS RANDOM CGI MOLE. PLEASE CARE. PLEASE LET US TUG ON YOUR HEARTSTRINGS AS WE ASK YOU TO THINK ABOUT THE RAMIFICATIONS OF HUMAN EXPANSION AND OUR RECKLESS WAR UPON NATURE. PLEASE WEEP OVER BABY MOLE LOSING HIS PARENTS BECAUSE THAT. THAT IS WHY AFTER ALL THIS TIME, OUR VILLAIN HAS COMMITTED SUCH UNSPEAKABLE CRIMES.
I. Went. Apeshit.
No smart-ass comment from the peanut gallery, no well-timed violent slapstick randomly spliced into the movie could have ever made my brain snap in two and have me braying like a jackass like the awe-inspiring whiplash of a movie that some poor bastard uncaringly plunked out in two days for a paycheck suddenly halting in its tracks and saying
No this is too important
This is all too crucial
I cannot phone this in
The song of this tragic mole must be sung
The people must hear his story
And the director said yes, yes let us honor this one scrap of story. Let me sing the bard’s tale with sentimental music and grim cinematography. I may not be remembered for G-Force, but by god, those who watch this movie will remember the struggles and hardships of this poor, wicked creature who thus far has had absolutely nothing relevant to say.
A lot of people will say that they laughed at something until they cried, but they’re usually exaggerating. No, actual tears were streaking down my face. I was laughing so hard that I had no choice but to scream-laugh at what I was seeing when I wasn’t wheezing soundlessly and gesturing helplessly at the screen. I melted out of my goddamn chair. My companions did not understand until somewhere in there I managed to articulate the words, “they gave the mole a backstory.” I tell you what, I was inconsolable for the rest of that terrible movie, I have no recollection of how they wrapped it up because I was still laughing so had, deluded and exhausted and blown the hell away at how a movie that so obviously cared nothing, NOTHING about making dignified cinema stopped everything, said HOLD THE PHONE, and tried to add a little depth and emotion in the eleventh hour. That was the funniest joke to me at three in the morning, and few things will ever top it.
So that. That is why I can never forget a movie about spy guinea pigs.
he refuses to discuss this with me. rent is 13 years overdue
when a fanbase collectively refers to a character you can’t stand as “queen” or “king”
this cow is so cute
Hong Kong protester catching a tear gas grenade and throwing it back